TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of put. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let us have One more place where American Guys can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give All people a set within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It really Trump Tower Damascus is that he must stop making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a element becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place friends could ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will even contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD may have change-down provider."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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